No Shitting Allowed

Yes, you read the post topic right. Some people not be given the right to use toilets like normal, civilised human beings. Instead, they should be given little, portable shovels. When nature calls, they can go to any backyard, abandoned parking spot, Coffee Bean outlet and dig a hole there.

Maaan… There’s a fella in my office, let’s just call him Loud Shitter or LS, whose toilet exploits are the stuff of legends. This is how a typical session goes like…

Every single day at 10.30 am.

LS enters a cubicle.

LS: Gruuuunnnnnttttt… Grrrnnnnn… [Damn san fu grunting. Like passing out a baby hippopotamus.]

Plonk! Thunk! Preeeblebleblableblapblapblapblapblap*booot*bleblableblart! Prrrooooottttttttt! And almost as an afterthought… Piut.

LS: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… [The longest expression of relief I have come across.]

Rinse and repeat cycle.

The smell alone would suffocate and kill an adult male rhinoceros ten million times over, maybe a billion. In fact, the pong is so bad that 9/10 times, I quit the restroom. The smell is worse than durians, okay. Sometimes, I feel like climbing over his cubicle and smacking him on the head.

“Eh. Shut up the fuck up when you shit, can or not?”

Once, my colleague caught him amidst all that grunting, farting, ah-ing TALKING on a cell phone! Talking! I tell you. This dude is simply amazing. Hero.

But, deng deng deng, what happened this afternoon topped all that. All the other cubicles in the gents are occupied. Thus, I had no choice but to enter the cubicle LS just vacated.

[Cue thriller, eerie music.]

I clutched my nose tightly. Took a deep breath. Entered the cubicle of doom. Closed and locked the door, and turned around.


[Eyes wide open. Gasp. Choke and cough. Totally forgot I was holding my breath.]

The fucker did not flush. Huge, black, steaming piles of… Okay-lah, will spare you the details…

Damn it. Why me? Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee???????? Like kena lottery, liddat.


8 Responses

  1. Oooii, firstly, how can you compare da ‘smell’ with durians. Durians are good, hence King of fruits.

    secondly, congrates! *evil grin*

    thirdly, since it is everyday at 10.30am, then, ban this toilet at this hour and go other floor’s if urgent need. hahahahahahahhaha!!!

    anttyk: Teeteejay,

    1. Because I can.

    2. Tsk… Fasherashewrashew.

    3. It’s not always at 10.30 am. Herein lies my problem.

  2. 3. wah! then, u really ‘lucky’ oh!

  3. btw, your top picutre got one white butterfly show up out of the blue. Tot u said dun want to be so girl-ly? else, I would prefer the one u in ‘swamp’ of yellow flowers! 😀

    anttyk: Hmmm… I know. I like the ‘swamp’ picture also. But a bit shy. Maybe later…

  4. Hahaha, I feel sorry for you. It shouldn’t be no shitting, just that this particular colleague of yours should be confined to a different restroom.

  5. I emphatize with you. I really do. I used to have a housemate (whom I used to share a bothroom with) who never flushed after sh*tting. I alwas felt nauseated whenever I entered the bathroom. Thank God he’s now gone.

    anttyk: Sigh… I can only pray and hope for that day to come. One fine day, if I catch LS at it again, I will give him a piece of my mind.

  6. speaking of sharing bathroom with housemates. That also reminds me about one of them few years back…. He pee never lift up the toilet sit and dirty up also! @#$%$#%%$$@@#$$!!!!!!

    anttyk: Same thing in the men’s room at office. Every single time, I had to line the toilet seat with tissue papers before I sit on it… :,

  7. Eeeeuwwwwwww…certain gives the phrase “men are shits’ a new dimension.

    You guys should dunk his head in his own poo. That would sort him out well and good.

    anttyk: Haha. I wish.

  8. oops..supposed to read ‘certainly’ up there.

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